Night Bill/Transcript
Green's House, backyard (Episode title appears on a can; Cricket kicks it over the fence.) Tilly: Wow! Man's voice: HEY! Who's kickin' all these cans?!? Cricket: Toldja I could hit him three times. What else do we have to play with? (All that's on the ground is a die, a bicycle wheel, a fork, a torn stickynote, some lists, a roll of tape, a pencil, a pot and a ruler.) Tilly: Hmm...our options are...limited. Cricket: Wait a sec! I got an idea! Who needs a bicycle, when you got a boy-cycle! (holds the bicycle wheel) Hop on, Tilly! (Tilly gets on his back and he "rides" her around.) Cricket: Wheeeeeee! Tilly: Whoo! Cricket: Heh-heh-heh! (the wheel bumps and breaks) Wha? Cricket, Tilly: (indistinct screaming) (They crash into a pen which releases several chickens.) Cricket: Well, that was a bust. Now what do we do? Bill (OS): How 'bout takin' these for a ride? (Cuts to him on the end of this, he presents two bicycles: a red one for Cricket and a purple one for Tilly.) Cricket: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what!?!? Tilly: (gasps) New bikes!?!? Bill: No need to play with that old junk anymore. Cricket: Wow...so shiny. So chrome. Mmm-mmm! You wanna watch us ride 'em, Dad? Bill: Oh, I'd love to, but I've got a full day of farmwork ahead of me. Plus -- (yawns) I'm a little tired. But, how about you take your new bikes to the movies? (hands them tickets) On me! Tilly: Thanks, Papa! Cricket: What!? New bikes and movie tickets!? It's like a prank, but good! Bill: (yawns) Have fun, kids... (leaves) Tilly: Why do you think Papa's bein' so generous? Cricket: (riding his bike) Don't overthink it, Tilly! Wheeeeeee! Cricket and Tilly's bedroom/Hallway (That night, Cricket is fast asleep; he suddenly wakes up.) Cricket: Oh, man! Gotta tinkle. Should probably stop drinkin' all this night milk. (He walks down the hall; a door is heard opening.) Cricket: Ugh...huh? (He sees Bill slip out through the front door.) Cricket: Dad? Where's he off to? Hmm...oh, right! Gotta go! (runs into the bathroom) Dining room (The next day, Tilly is eating Bag O' Bits cereal when Cricket enters.) Cricket: Hey, Tilly! Tilly: Good morning, Cricket. How'd ya sleep? Cricket: Ah, pretty good. But last night, I saw Dad sneakin' outta the house. Weird, right? Tilly: Yeah. That is weird. (The door is heard opening.) Bill (OS): (weiry) Mornin', kids! (enters) I hope you're hungry, 'cause I got donuts! (He holds up a donut box from Höl.) Cricket, Tilly: Whoa!/What?! Bill: And not just any donuts, I went to the fancy place downtown! (opens box to show multicolored donuts) Cricket, Tilly: Ooooooh... Tilly: Look at all these toppings. Cricket: Yeah! This one's just a donut covered in even smaller donuts! (licks one off) Thanks, Dad! Bill: (chuckles) No problem. (yawns) Y'all deserve the best. (sighs) Tilly: Are you gonna join us for breakfast, Papa?...Papa? (sees he fell asleep) Papa, wake up! Bill: (wakes up) DAH! Oh... (chuckles) I'm sorry, sweetie. I'd love to, but I gotta... (yawns) Go milk the eggs... (leaves) Cricket: Huh. (eats his donut) That was weird. Tilly: Yeah. Sneakin' out at night, bought us all kinds of nice stuff...what do you think he's up to, Cricket? Cricket: Well, he's definitely hidin' something. But, as long as he keeps bringin' home all this sweet stuff, I... (holds two donuts up to his eyes like glasses) Do''nut'' care. Eh? Ehhhhhh? (Tilly is not impressed; lowers donuts) All right, fine, we'll figure out what he's up to. Tonight. Cricket and Tilly's bedroom (The clock on the dresser is at 11:05; Bill comes in.) Bill: Hmm... (Snoring is heard from Cricket and Tilly's beds.) Bill: Heh. (He closes the door; it is soon revealed that Herbert has taken Cricket's place, while Melissa is in Tilly's bed.) Corporation building (The Kludge parks outside a strange building; Bill gets out. Shows Cricket and Tilly have sneaked into it in the backseat once he leaves. After Bill goes inside the building...) Tilly: What are you up to, Papa? Hallway, inside (Bill walks through the hallway until he enters one particular door. Cricket and Tilly follow.) Office complex (They peek through the door and gasp; shows several rows of computers and people working at them.) Cricket: What is this place? (Cuts to one of the stalls; a man is answering a call next to a cardboard cutout of an ox mascot for a soda, Beef Up.) Blue male worker: (drably) Mm-hmm. That's right, sir. It's called Beef Up. The only protein shake with "beef" in the name. Cricket: Uh... (A woman uses the copy machine.) Cricket: This place is so weird. Everyone looks so tired. Tilly: Quick, hide! (They hide behind a plant before a frantic man runs past.) Purple male worker: Everyone, look sharp! The boss is comin'! Cricket: Huh? The boss? (Here comes a red bulky man with spiky yellow hair and looking not at all friendly.) Boss: BILL GREEN! Where's Bill Green!? (Bill comes out of the men's room in uniform.) Bill: Uh -- uh -- here, sir! Cricket: Oh, my gosh! Dad works here?! Bill: Yes, sir! Uh, what can I do for you, Jyle sir? Boss (Jyle): You haven't sold enough cases of Beef Up protein soda! What's your excuse?! Bill: Well, I eh...I thought I was doin' okay! Jyle: "Okay" isn't good enough! Lemmie tell ya something, farmer: I'm number one in everything I do, whether it's selling Beef Up, or winning season 14 of the hit '90s competition show, Global Fight Race! (He shows a video of ''Global Fight Race on his phone, he winning a chariot race against other competitors.)'' Phone Jyle: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! WORSHIP MEEE!!! Jyle: I don't ''lose!'' Bill: Oh, sorry, sir. It's just that sometimes, people don't wanna buy the product, and well, I don't wanna be rude. Jyle: Dang it, Green! That's a number 2 mindset. (opens a can of Beef Up) We don't do number 2 here, and if you drink as much Beef Up as I do, you'll never do number 2 again! (drinks the soda and crushes the can against his forehead) AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now back to work, everyone! Sell more Beef Up! Especially you, Green! Bill's desk (Bill sadly sits down at his desk, puts on a headset and sighs.) Bill: (reading his transcript) Hello sir, and/or madame. I wanna talk to you about Beef Up, the world's first carbonated protein shake. (surprised) What? You'll take five cases? Oh, that's great! Uh-uh, let me just get your -- (the call suddenly ends) Huh? (Reveals Cricket and Tilly using an answering machine to call him.) Cricket: This is where you've been sneakin' off to? What gives? It's not even fun here! Bill: (sees them) Cricket?! Tilly?! AHH! You pulled the old pig-in-the-bed again, didn't ya?! Tilly: Papa, why are you doin' this? Bill: Guess there's no point in hidin' it anymore. Workin' here is how I've been able to afford all that new stuff. I've been sneakin' around 'cause...oh, man. It's embarrassin'. Green's house, living romm (Flashback: Bill watches the kids play with junk out the window.) Bill (VO): You're always playin' with that old junk in the yard, and it made me feel like I wasn't bein' a good provider. Big City streets (Bill walks down the sidewalk.) Bill (VO): Everyone in this city has fancy stuff, and...I didn't want you kids to feel different. So, I took this second job in order to earn some extra money. (He takes a ticket from the "now hiring" advertisement for Beef Up; flashback ends.) Beef Up Corp, Bill's desk Tilly: Oh, Papa! We had no idea! If we have to choose between having you around or fancy new things, we'd choose you! Isn't that right, Cricket? (Cricket doesn't say anything, he just stares into space.) Tilly: Cr-icket? Cricket: Uh...yeah! Yeah! Dad for sure, Dad's great. Although this stuff is pretty great, too. I love the new bikes! And those donuts were...!! (He notices their unappreciated looks and chuckles one last time before getting serious.) Cricket: But Dad, yes. I choose Dad. Definitely Dad. Tilly: Papa, we don't need any fancy new toys. (holds up Bill's hat) We just need you. (puts it on his head) Bill: Oh kids, that's so sweet. Maybe you're right. Let's get outta here. I quit! Jyle: (jumps in front of him) Nuh-uh-uh! Sorry to burst your bubble, but you signed a contract. (shows such) According to this baby, I own your dad for one whole year! (Tilly takes it) Huh? Tilly: Cricket, hurry! Eat this! (Cricket takes the contract and swallows it whole.) Cricket: Ha! You don't own him anymore! Bill: Tilly, don't make your brother eat paper. Jyle: Uh...that's just a copy. But you two got spirit! (shows a card of himself in ''Global Fight Race)'' Here, have a commemorative Global Fight Race trading card. (gives it to Tilly) There's only one, so you'll have to fight over it. (to Bill) As for you! (removes his hat) Take off that silly hat! This is an office, not a barn! Now get back to work! (leaves) Bill: (sighs) Well, y'heard the boss. Quittin' was a nice thought, but...I signed a contract. It's not too bad here. It's gonna be fine, kids. (into his headset) Hello? My name is name here, and I wanna transform you... (fades out) Tilly: This isn't right, Cricket. Papa belongs on the farm, not in an office! We gotta do something! Cricket: But we tried. Sorry, Tilly, but 'cha win some, you lose some. Tilly: Hmm... (She looks at the trading card Jyle gave her.) Tilly: You win some, you lose some... (gasps) Papa! I know how to get you outta your contract! We are gettin' ya outta here! (Bill smiles) Near another stall (Jyle is confronting one of the workers.) Jyle: How many times do I have to tell you!? No eye contact! Purple male worker: Uh...sorry, sir! Jyle: (shakes him violently) YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT NOW! Purple male worker: Uh...sorry, sir!! Tilly (OS): Hey! Boss man! (Cricket and Tilly are standing atop one of the divider.) Tilly: We challenge you to a race! Jyle: A challenge? (walks over) Purple male worker: Phew. Jyle: I knew I liked you kids. (to a worker) You! Down! (The blue male worker drops his coffee and gets down on all fours for Jyle to stand on.) Jyle: So? What are we playing for? Tilly: The freedom of Bill Green. Bill: Yeah! Cricket: If we win, our dad goes free. Jyle: And if I win, the farmer works here for two years! Cricket: Two years, huh? Make it five! Bill: I don't think that's such a great id -- Jyle: DEAL! Tilly: We're gettin' our papa back. Jyle: Not a chance! I never lose a -- Announcer: FIGHT RACE! Office edition. Office complex, various (Preparations are made for the office Fight Race. Cricket scribbles black marks on his cheeks. Tilly ties a wreath of paper clips to her head. Bill buckles up a cable around his waist. Cricket and Tilly sit in an office chair with Cricket manning the cable.) Bill: Pretty sure my insurance doesn't cover this. (Jyle joins them, wearing his racing suit and also in an office chair, with the blue male worker as the carrier.) Jyle: It doesn't! Now listen up, Greens! Here's how this is gonna work. One lap around the office. Standard Fight Race rules apply. And once I beat you, this hat's going right in the paper shredder! (laughs) Start the race, Linda. Linda: Three...two...one... (She prints out a paper that reads "GO.") Cricket, Tilly, Jyle: AHHHHHHHH!!! (Cricket whips the cable.) Bill: WHOA! (The race begins.) Cricket: Yeah! Come on, Dad! (They repeatedly slam into each other.) Jyle: Grrrrr! (hit by Cricket and Tilly) Oof! Whoaaaaaa!! RAAAAAWWWWRRR! (gets out a stapler) Bill: Ack! Watch out! (He fires staples; Tilly gasps and blocks them with a clipboard.) Tilly: Don't worry, Papa! His staples are no match for my staple remover! (She tosses a lasso of paper clips with a staple remover, which grabs the stapler and pulls it out of Jyle's hand.) Jyle: Huh?! NO! A stapler's only weakness! Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (They come round the first turn and Cricket spills boxes of Beef Up cans inside, which causes Jyle to halt.) Jyle: Wha? Fine! I like a challenge! (He gets on the blue worker, who jumps up so he can swing across the ceiling lights.) Jyle: Up! Ha-ha! Ha! (He lands right behind Cricket and Tilly, startling them.) Jyle: GO GO GO! (Cuts to a nearby water fountain.) Plum male worker: Billie, didja hear? It's Steve's birthday. Green female worker (Billie): Oh, really? (The teams pass right by.) Jyle: FASTER! Billie: Is there cake? Plum male worker: No. Tilly: Go, Papa! We're in the lead! Bill: Ha! We're doin' it! Huh? (the other worker pulls up alongside) Oh, hey Mark. How ya holdin' up? Blue male worker (Mark): Oh, y'know. T.G.I.F. Haha. (gets hit with an elastic) Ow! (Shows Jyle is throwing elastics at him.) Jyle: FASTER! Mark: Aaaaaaagh!!! (He leans to the side and bounces off one of the dividers, jumping right in front of the Greens.) Mark: Ohhhhhhh!!! Jyle: See ya later, Greens! Bill: Hmmph! (spins headset like a lasso) Jyle: Ha ha ha ha! (The headset wraps around him and pulls him out of his seat, leaving him tangled as the Greens slip right past.) Cricket: See you later! (He manages to get himself back in order.) Jyle: Move, you idiot! MOVE! (They come round the final turn.) Jyle: Ha ha ha ha! Office fan: Whoo-hoo! Fight Race is back, baby! (rips off uniform to reveal a ''Fight Race shirt underneath)'' Cricket: Look! The finish line! (The finish line is at the end of the hall.) Tilly: Come on, Papa! You can do it! Jyle: Grrrrr...!! Closer than I thought. (takes out a jar of thumbtacks) Time to pull out all the stops! Tack attack! Yah! (He throws the jar, spilling tacks everywhere.) Tilly: Papa, NO! Bill: (stepping on them) Oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ohhh!!! Ow!!! (He crashes into a divider, sending it knocking over loads of complexes.) Cricket: DANG IT, JYLE! THAT'S NOT FAIR! Jyle: ANYTHING'S FAIR IN A FIGHT RACE! (blows kiss) MWAH! LATER, LOSERS! HAHAHA! Bill: (pulling tacks out) Ack! Darn, thin skinned loafers! I'm so sorry, kids. Cricket: Ugh...what are we gonna do? (gasps at something) Over there! (He points toward a Beef Up poster with some soda cans set up below; he takes two of them and gets back on the chair, and shakes them vigorously.) Cricket: Looks like it's time...to BEEF UP! Bill: Huh? (He opens them, releasing steam gushes of soda.) Bill: Cricket, what are you doin'?! (The soda pushes them forward twice as faster than Jyle.) Cricket, Tilly, Bill: (indistinct screaming) Jyle: Ah-ha-ha! (The Greens pass him) YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I'M NUMBER ONE! (The soda sprays him in the eyes and down his throat.) Jyle: AHHHHHHHHH! UGH! MY EYES! IT BURNS! (He yanks on the cable so hard it causes Mark to stumble.) Mark: Oof! (He whinnies like a horse and falls.) Jyle: No, no, no, no!! (trips on him) AHHHHHHH!!!! (He crashes into a pyramid of Beef Up, sending sofa everywhere; the Greens cross the finish line as the workers cheer.) Bill: We won! We did it! Oh-ho man, that was so much fun! Tilly: Way more fun than ridin' a bike. Cricket: Yeah, Dad. Spendin' time with you is way better than anything you could buy. Bill: Aww, thanks, Cricket. (stroking his hair) I'm glad to know you like me more than you like...things. Cricket: Just barely. (They hug; Jyle is lying amongst the cans of Beef Up.) Jyle: (weary) I'm...number...one...? (Bill takes back his hat and puts it on.) Bill: Ah, good to be back. Tilly: (comes out of Jyle's office with the real contract) Papa, I found your original contract! Bill: Thanks, sweetie! Cricket, will you do the honors? Cricket: My pleasure. (He eats the contract and swallows it whole.) Cricket, Tilly, Bill: Yaaaaay! Bill: Now, let's go! Cricket: (suddenly coughs; holds stomach) I think I swallowed a staple. Bill: To the emergency room! Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:N Category:A-Z